Morning Cawfee

Revision:

Crows come calling by eight, to sit and wait
-handful of peanuts, I mustn’t be late –
perched on wires and boughs, watching the door,
with a short whistle – the murder collates.

A-sweep and with swoop, they gather en corps.
Should bluejay or eagle threaten their score,
one lookout scans the sky, calling quite loud –
black silhouette stark against frosted hoar.

I toss a few treats, and quickly they crowd,
a few hop towards me, no crow too proud –
to rush the pavement, their prizes to claim,
come closer for seconds, cawing aloud!

The smartest follow as I walk the lane,
fly-bys and wing-breeze to ruffle my mane,
landing in eyesight, so their entreaties
are clear: please, miss, no nut is thrown in vain!

Original:

Crows come calling by eight, to sit and wait
-grasping for peanuts, I mustn’t be late –
perched on wires and boughs, watching the door,
a click and a whistle, murder collates.

Sweeping and swooping, they gather en corps.
Should raven or eagle threaten their score,
one lookout remains, to holler out loud –
black silhouette stark against frosted hoar.

I toss a few treats, and quickly they crowd,
a few hop towards me, creak-cawing aloud,
swarm to the pavement, their prizes to claim,
demanding seconds, they must be allowed!

The smartest follow as I walk the lane,
fly-bys and wing-breeze to ruffle my mane,
landing spots picked to be sure in my sight,
make sure that I’m watching, planning their gain.

—–
Frank challenges us to a rubaiyat in this month’s exploration of poetry forms at dVerse poets pub:

The ruba’i is a classical Persian quatrain or double couplet with 13-syllable lines and having rhyme scheme either AABA or AAAA.

Where there is more than one ruba’i, there is a rubaiyat.

I’ve opted for a 10-syllable line and an AABA rhyme scheme. I think there’s another quatrain to be written here, but I’m not sure what it is yet. Constructive criticism welcomed!

25 thoughts on “Morning Cawfee

  1. I really love the theme here and can almost see it in my mind. A few things, and you can take them with a grain of salt: 1) last line in 2nd stanza, i like the image but wording a little clunky; 2) asking and must at the end of the 3rd are at odds, can you find something instead of asking that parallels the must (like demand, assume, etc)?. Again I’m only a newbie poet so keep that in mind with my suggestions…

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  2. Oh .. I like this… you had a similarity with Sarah’s poem (though she had rooks and you had crows)… I like crows because they are smart and cunning, but maybe adding a stanza about the menace of crows…. not everyone appreciate the feeding of crows.

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  3. They are smart, these crows. Love the sounds and movement like: a click and a whistle, murder collates.

    If I may suggest to make each verses the same, like if its 10 syllabic like, it should be constant – see last stanza, first two lines. This reads beautifully of the rubaiyat form.

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    1. Thanks, Grace – I’ll look at those syllables. I was counting and writing while distracted – it isn’t a surprise that my finger-counting may have gotten mixed.

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  4. “black silhouette stark against frosted hoar” – most especially love the sound of these words, choice of the words “frosted hoar” which, I think, is in reverse word order of usual usage “hoar frost” and how it works here.
    MOST especially love the title and play on words from morning coffee to describing what happens on this morning of birds!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Really enjoy this, Nora! Have you gone through the edit process yet? I see some great comments and suggestions here. You have some really well-crafted lines in terms of meter and that makes this playful in overall tone. You included a comment that you feel like there is another stanza still to be written…I felt that, too. It was a longing for more and for a conclusion to the story. Perhaps loop back to the opening stanza and complete the day or the cycle of this being a daily event? Let me know if you add to it – would love to read 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jilly, I’ve done some revisions, would love for you to read. I couldn’t get an additional stanza to manifest, but I think I tidied up an ending.

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      1. Bravo! I think you have made some of the spots clearer, especially in that final stanza. Also like handful of peanuts in the revision. I must admit, though, I like the click and a whistle best from your original – that is so descriptive of their sounds. Glad you did the revisions and let me know – very exciting to see the process!

        Liked by 1 person

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